Life as Seven

I smiled through the tears on Christmas day, trying to focus so hard on my beautiful, healthy children.  Lily Kate was two and a half and Landon almost one and a half. This was supposed to be the most exciting morning of the year. But, it was hard. Hard to fake it. Hard to think. Hard to show them the love they deserved. But, I did it. I didn't take many pictures of us together, but I remember my heart smiling as I watched them tear through their presents as fast as they could. The excitement was over soon, the house was a wrapping paper disaster, and I was back to feeling sorry for myself. It certainly wasn't like me to do that, but I couldn't help but think this was not the way it was supposed to be. I wanted to be taking pictures and telling our third child that I was pregnant with them at that time. It wasn't in the cards for us and it took all I had to breath in and out.

Two months later: Although I had had plenty of prior ultrasounds, this one was different. It was the first one I had had since my miscarriage and I was still devastated to say the least. I was heading to Washington, D.C. for a week-long training class for work the following week and all I wanted to see was a heartbeat - any sign of life that would cover up the anger and sadness I had felt since Christmas day. Dr. Gunter walked in and nonchalantly chatted with me as he prepped to confirm that I was in fact pregnant.  I was being short with him, because frankly, I didn't really care what he had to say.  I just needed to see for myself that it was true.

And although I probably couldn't tell you anything else about that ultrasound, I will never forget seeing three sacs with three heartbeats pounding away on the big screen. I was by myself and I just remember smiling inside because there was a heartbeat...and terrified that there were three. What in the world are we going to do with three more babies? I just knew Kevin would be on the next plane to Mexico. Fortunately, he wasn't. ;)

After we got over the initial shock of adding three more children to our family, we were excited. Still scared of all of the unknowns, we were very hesitant to talk about the girls'. Between Baby A (Reagan) having an increased nuchal fold measurement which remarkably "disappeared" and Baby B (Sadie) being diagnosed with hydrocephalus, we had been through the most emotional days of our lives.  And after two hospital stays, the girls arrived the evening of October 20. It was very uneventful and not how I had envisioned their birth. It was better. Unlike her budding personality, Reagan didn't make a peep when she was born. Sadie came out screaming. And Caroline...we think she was just glad to not be jammed up into my sternum anymore (her and me, both!). I'll never forget those moments.  The bright lights didn't so much as dim as the doctor's called out each of their birth times "5:31...5:32...............5:34"....Although the road ahead wasn't going to be easy, I was relieved. Relieved that the sole responsibility didn't fall on me and my ability to keep the babies safe, healthy, and inside of me.  It was the stark opposite of how I felt when Lily Kate and Landon were born.  I remember missing that feeling of being the only one who could take care of them.  But, this time was different. I was worn down and felt defeated.  My body hurt all of the time.

And thinking that it's been a year since that momentous day that is so ingrained in my mind, makes me want to cry. I have tried over and over to summarize the past 365 days in one word...and it's impossible. We have been so blessed to be Reagan, Sadie, and Caroline's parents, and I seriously would not change one thing about how we got to this day. At times, it's been very hard. Kevin and I have sacrificed our time together and the phrase "Mother's always put themselves last" was/is an understatement. Most days, I've questioned my parenting: do I really have what it takes? Other days, I'd have it all together and life as seven felt so easy. I've learned to let go of what I can't change and make the best of each moment. Because truthfully, that's all we have.  Our three girls have taught me more about life that I had ever hoped to learn.  They have humbled me. They have given me a new reason to be happy - a new reason to live. And although everything and everyone that came before them still makes me happy (Kevin, Lily Kate, Landon, etc.) they have renewed my perspective on life and reminded me of my true purpose here. It's not to write proposals at the world's largest clinical research organization. Or clean my house until my baseboards shine.  It isn't to see how much money we can make or how big of a house we can own. It's about learning from our children, our family, our daily lives...and only hoping that we will become half of the parents they already think we are. What they have unknowingly taught us is that no matter what the circumstances are, no matter how "bad" you think it's going to be, life surprises you...and if you embrace the change you are given, it will take your breath away.  

I wrote the following notes to the girls and wanted to share them:

Dear Reagan,

I can't believe it has been a whole year since I saw the "A" on your hospital hat. I couldn't believe how beautiful you were.  You were absolutely perfect. From the moment I saw you, I fell in love with your chubby cheeks.  You have grown into a bubbly, little ray of sunshine and remind me so much of myself.  You are so happy most of the time and your laugh is contagious. You are pretty independent, but certainly don't mind being held. You are very curious and especially love eating crumbs off the floor! ;)  I love how you always look back at me when you are crawling and your facial expression is begging me to chase you. You are a squealer who loves to eat anything and everything! You can make the dullest of days so bright.  At one year, you are crawling, cruising, and taking a few steps. You like pushing your "stroller" toy around and taking everything out of the toy bins. You get really excited if you hear Little Einsteins come on and throw your hands up in the air to let us know. I love everything about you, Reagan, and hope you never lose your zest for life. I love you always, Mama.

Dear Sadie,

Never in a million years did I think the daughter that was diagnosed with hydrocephalus in utero would be the sensitive, snuggly, sweetest little girl that I love today.  From the moment I heard your cry, you have made me realize that life is such a gift.  You are a gift, Sadie and I would not have been complete had you not been born exactly the way you are. I love the way you pat my back and nestle your head into my neck when you're tired. You are so chatty and repeat everything we say with a smile! Your crooked top tooth makes us chuckle out loud! You are our little peanut and your Daddy tells me I baby you...but the truth is, he does, too! :) I remember the preemie diapers that dangled off of your frail body for days. I also remember the first time you said Mama and sat up on your own. Every little thing you do gives me hope.  You are a beautiful reminder that life is not always what you think it is...it is much better.  I love you Sade Sades. Always, Mama



Dear Caroline,
When I think back to the first time I saw you, I could not believe how full your lips were.  I knew you were going to look just like your Daddy.  And today, that hasn't changed.  Your blonde hair, blue eyes, and natural physique has always reminded me that you were the last born (and your Daddy's daughter!). You have been the first baby to meet your milestone (with the exception of talking).  You act a lot older than you really are and are very physical.  You don't cry easily, but you are certainly loud when you do! You are hesitant of strangers and never sit still for a single second.  You are in awe of your big brother and big sister (Lily Kate) and love playing with them! You listen so well and do what we ask of you almost always. You have shown me that life is so much richer because I am your mother.  And you make that job so easy by sharing your smile, love, and passion with the world in every thing you do. I love you with all of my heart, Caroline. Love, Mama.



To the girls we never knew we needed, you are our heart and souls, the three that completed our family. We love you just the way you are and thank God for the love you have brought to our lives.  Happy 1st birthday, sweet girls.