That Feeling

I haven't forgotten about this blog. Really. I think about it a lot. How I plan to use it as a journal for my children. And when they asked why I barely blogged for a few months, I'll have a few good answers, but that's about it. We had a miscarriage that rocked my world. We were having trouble getting pregnant. Kevin got laid off from his job and the next week we found out we were pregnant. Amazing timing, I suppose? It's funny how life works out that way. Kevin started his own business and has been busy ever since. It's A LOT of work and I don't know how he does it all, but he does! Unlike me, who works and can barely keep my head above water. The laundry is never done, the house is never spotless (unless the kids are sleeping), and the cooking that I need to be doing for my family just doesn't always happen. Yes, I feel guilty about it, but I've learned to put that behind me. On April 8, we found out we were having triplets. After a few cases of hypervenitlating or panic attacks, whichever you prefer to call them, we are excited about our new adventure as the parents of a potential basketball team - you know, the Wilkinson Warriors. Just kidding, but it is funny to think of it like that.

A few weeks ago we found out that Baby "A" had a thickened nuchal translucency measurement (fluid in the back of the neck) which measured 3.4 mm. The typical range is 2-3 mm and anything over 3 mm is considered abnormal and a marker for various serious diseases. We were devestated as the doctor let us know that if this baby did not live in utero, it could potentially fatally harm the other two. I felt my heart crumble into a million pieces right at that moment. I will never forget the conversation Kevin and I had at our breakfast nook table. It was hard. I cried. He cried. We were mad. Mad that this was happening. Then, our emotions would change into optimism: "What if..." But, I couldn't let myself go there. I wanted to be prepared for the worst. We tried to be more realistic and just live the next two weeks as if nothing was wrong, when really we were both dying inside. We had to wait two weeks for the babies to get a little bigger and for me to be able to consider having a CVS (chorionic villus sampling) where they basically biopsy the placenta to figure out what might be wrong with the baby. On top of that, it's extremely risky to do with multiples, increasing our chance of miscarriage for all three babies. Why we were the chosen ones to make this decision, I will never know. But, I will tell you...I dreaded it more than anything in my whole life. I watched YouTube videos of CVS procedures. I Google'd anything and everything about nuchal translucency measurements. But, I knew in my heart my case was different. I was carrying three babies and we had to make the best decision for them. It was hard for me to even consider reducing, but we did. We realized that if I carried everyone to term (for triplets, that is about 35 weeks) and one was very sick, it would die either way (in utero or shortly after birth). My heart hurt for two weeks like I couldn't explain. I wanted to tell the world so they could pray for us. But, we decided to keep it private (something I'm not very good at) because we were just very scared.

We went to our doctor's appointment prepared. We met with the genetic counselor. And then they prepped the room for me to receive the CVS on Baby A. I was terrified, to be honest. I just wanted it over. I remember looking at the clock and thinking to myself that in 10 minutes this would all be over. Prior to the doctor doing the procedure, he wanted the ultrasound technician to do another set of measurements on each baby. The previous ones had been done at 10 weeks and since I have an ultrasound every two weeks, it needed to be done prior to the procedure. I laid there frantic, honestly. I was very close to telling her to "hurry up" so we could get the test overwith. My nerves were taking over my body and I was just an anxious mess. But, I guess I hid it will. From everyone in the room except Kevin. He knew exactly what I was thinking. There was a resident from Duke also in the room so the sonographer was explaining every little thing in detail to her. I kindly asked that she let me know the measurements of each baby, the heart rate, the nuchal translucency, etc. She was more than happy to and as she was scanning me complimented me on how "great of a scan I was". Not quite sure what that means, but she said she would let me know all of the measurements as she took them, so that I knew everything she was doing. I'm not one to sit there and just wonder what the heck is going on. So, she did and as she measured each baby (and their nuchal folds) my breath came back to me. It was hard for me to breathe, honestly. I sat and watched her measure the sweet little babies inside me as I also tried to tune out the large needle and tray sitting on the counter. It was hard. And I hope that no one ever has to feel like I did. A few minutes passed and she had finished getting the measurements she needed. "So, the nuchal folds of all of the baby's are normal?" She let me know the doctor would be in momentarily to talk to us. I looked at Kevin in disbelief, without words to say. The measurements were 1.4, 1.6, and 1.9. Nowhere near 3.4. Believe what you want to believe, but I know that some angel was watching over me that day. Nuchal folds don't just shrink. Unless, of course, you witness a miracle.

The doctor walked in an let me know that he had no explanation for the shrinking of the nuchal fold in Baby A and was very honest in letting me know that even if we proceeded with the test, he was not 100% sure that we'd be testing the correct baby. I didn't understand. They are labeled Baby A, B, and C based on their placenta's position inside of me. And if you know anything about being pregnant, you know that they will always be connected by the same placenta at the same place inside my uterus. Really? We could do the test and risk possibly losing a baby that had absolutely nothing wrong with it? My thoughts went crazy. I really was speechless. Before I could even utter a word, Kevin said "We will not be having the test today." And our doctor agreed. He said it was perfectly reasonable not to have the CVS done, when all seemed to look fine. However, he had no statistics on babies with increased nuchal folds at 10 weeks which got smaller by 12 weeks. For all we know, Lily and Landon could have had increased nuchal folds at this time, but we didn't have the nuchal translucency test until 12 weeks. So, we just never knew. Regardless, I felt like a million pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders. The lump in my throat was gone. The ache in my heart was repaired. And I felt like I had literally just witnessed a pure miracle. I thought to myself, if you didn't believe in God, you sure would after hearing this story. :)