Birthdays are different as you get older. Especially, after kids. No birthday of your own ever compares to birthing your own child and all that you remember about that day. And the truth of how your own mother feels about you becomes way more real. Tomorrow is no different. I'll soon be sleeping off the last few hours of being 28 and really, tomorrow is nothing but a Tuesday in an ordinary week of September. But is it?
Four weeks ago, my mother had a massive stroke. Three weeks ago, I started a brand new job that has rocked my world in awesome ways. Two weeks ago, a nurse walked into my Mom's hospital room as I wept by her bedside, feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for her. The nurse grabbed my hands and looked me in the eyes and said, "No one knows how you feel. And if they say they do, they're lying. It's hard to see anyone like this...especially your Mom. I can't imagine what you are going through, but just know that I will do whatever I can to help her." She later told me the story of how the night before, my Mom had grabbed her hand and pulled her over to her and rubbed her arm, as if she was comforting her. She said she just pulled up a chair and chatted with her a while and told her how lucky she was to have such awesome children that came to visit her so much. She said my Mom looked proud, so proud. I'll never forget that nurse. Kristen H. you helped heal a part of me that day and gave me the courage to continue to take life one day at a time.
My birthday wish for this year is to enjoy the now. Today. Because really, that's all we have. My Mom is in rehab 5 minutes away and I can pop over and see her anytime I want to. And although she can't talk, her presence alone is enough to make me feel her love. I never knew how true and powerful a mother's love could be until now. When I sit beside her, talk to her, hold her hand, and tell her all about my day, without a single word back from her, I know she gets it. Even when she can't respond like she wants to or tries but gets frustrated, I know she's there. She's still my Mom, but mother's me in a way I had never hoped she would have to.
For as long as I can remember, my Mom has either woken me up in person or called me and woken me up super early to tell me about the day I was born and sing the full rendition of Happy Birthday way too early in the morning. I can remember smiling as I rolled over in bed to answer her call, knowing what was about to happen. And although I am anticipating that phone call tomorrow, it won't be coming. I miss her voice more than anything in this world and would give just about anything for that call to come. I told her tonight, I'll let her slide this year...but for my 30th, I don't want to be dissappointed. :)
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