Larger than Life

I believe in God. I was raised in the church, attending preschool, children's church, etc. regularly. And I loved it. As I got older, I wouldn't say that my Christian-like tendencies have been the best. But, I can say this: I know where my family and I are going when we die. Needless to say, I am not perfect and don't consider anyone to be. But, I will admit that when life gets tough, I am the first one to start praying to God for help (typical of most: to pray when we need something!).

The past six days have been the longest, most stressful, worry-filled days I can ever recall. Last Friday, I put myself togther (makeup, matching clothes and all!) and headed to the pediatricians office for Landon's 6-month well check. I was in no hurry to get there because I knew what they were going to say: "Wow, Landon has gotten big! What are you feeding him?". And of course, I would laugh and remind them that "my husband was a huge baby, just like Landon"...in hopes to justify his chubby little self. To be honest, I think he is cutest, plumpest little boy I've ever met. As I juggled getting Landon undressed and reading a book/giving a snack to Lily, we got Landon measured (he is 27.5 inches long) and weighed (he weighs 21.0 lbs...yes, I know, that is exactly how much Lily weighs). The nurse then measured his head which was 46.5 cm. None of the measurements were surprising, as it is completely obvious that the boy just eats us out of house and home. Landons smiley self was a great sport and the nurse let us know that the doctor would be in shortly.

So, we sat there...Landon naked (except for his diaper) and Lily sitting on the floor of the room (yes, I know, it's disgusting...but she insisted and there wasn't anywhere else for her to go!). Landon laughed and drooled while waiting for Dr. Covington. And in she comes...as polite and professional as always. She is a super doctor. Young, brilliant, personable. She knows us well and immediately asks if anyone in our family has a big head. She caught me off guard, as she bypassed her usual "Everything looks great!" comment. "Ummm. No. I don't think so. But, if you are talking about Landon's head, everyone says it is shaped just like my husband's."

Of course she was talking about Landon's head...but I was just so surprised she said that, that I didn't know what else to say. "Well, his head is extremely large and I would like you to get further testing as soon as possible." Further testing? Okay, where? Can we go today? What do you mean? I was trying to ask all of these questions, but nothing seemed to come out of my mouth. She went on to explain that the past two visits, his head had grown significantly and this is a usual sign of fluid on the brain. But, not to worry, we will call and make an appt. at a nearby specialty center and get it checked out. Not to worry? This is my 6-month-old son and you are telling me he might have fluid on his brain? And you don't want me to worry? Right.

So, I left the doctors office, teary-eyed and confused. Sad and lost. Are they serious? My son might have fluid on his brain? The next few hours were a blur. I tried to explain what the doctor had told me to Kevin. But, the words just weren't coming out fluently and I probably made matters way more confusing than they were. I call my Mom. I called my mother-in-law. I called one of my best friends. No one understood, though. This was MY son. Not theirs.

The phone rang last Friday afternoon and they had gotten us in for an ultrasound of Landon's head (since his "soft spot" hadn't closed all the way, this would be the least invasive way to look at his brain). I was thinking maybe it was on Saturday - I know that would be twenty four hours, but it wouldn't be too far off. I was way wrong. The earliest WakeMed could see us was the following Thursday. Really? I had to live like this until next Thursday? I didn't have a choice. (Randomly, I had taken off this particular Thursday because I had a free "comp" day that I needed to use or I would lose. I only work 2.5 days a week, so I never take any days off. This week was different. Coincidence? I think not. Somebody knew exactly what was about to happen and was just trying to make my life a little less complicated by having to ask off of work.)

As a reminder, my husband is a very private person. I wanted to stand on top of my house and shout for the whole world to hear me that someone, everyone needed to pray for little Landon. But, as you can imagine, Kevin didn't want anyone to know, let alone the whole world. I accepted that and only told a few people...hoping and praying that they would be the one's praying. And they were. Thank God.

This morning was a typical morning: Lily went to preschool, Landon laughed and kicked his fat little legs until he was too tired to move, and Kevin went to work. The sun was shining and it was a gorgeous day, yet, my insides were in knots. My heart was hurting for the answer to my prayers, my head was spinning with thoughts of "what if..." ideas, and I was so anxious for 11:30 that I couldn't stand it. We went to the hospital and waited...and waited. "Landon"...a little Indian woman called. It was finally our turn. She led us back to a room with a stretcher-like bed in it, lots of machines, and it was dark. I was carrying my little (ok, not little....but my youngest son!) in my arms, as he was pulling my hair and trying his hardest to touch anything he could with his slobbery lips. She ordered me to sit on the bed with Landon sitting between my legs so that we could get some pictures. She was quiet, reserved. And I did not like that one bit. I wanted to know what she saw, what was right, what was wrong. I asked her several times if she saw any excess fluid on his brain. But, she informed me (like I knew she would) that she couldn't say anything...but she did mention that the doctor sometimes comes to talk with the patients (as opposed to just looking at the results and sending them to the pediatrician). After a few minutes of trying to keep a 21-pounder contained and still, the little woman let me know she was going to get the doctor. Was that good or bad? I knew I had a hundred things to ask her, but now I can't remember any of it. Kevin stood at the end of the bed and looked as if he was going to throw up (he was just as nervous as I was). In comes the doctor. She was very serious. I held Landon in my arms as he was falling asleep. A chubby little cherub angel - that's exactly what he looked like as I cradled him in my arms. The radiologist used a construction analogy. It was as if someone had already told her Kevin was a General Contractor and those were the terms she should use to explain her diagnosis. She went on to tell us that the opening (soft spot) in Landon's skull was like a fence around a building under construction and that she could see whether or not the building was two or ten stories tall and what is in front of the building, but couldn't see the back of the building without doing further testing. She noted that if someone asked her to count the number of wheelbarrows that surronded the building, she could only see a few on the sides and all of the front. The doctor let us know she was looking for a block in Landon's ventricles (the two main ventricles in the brain are constantly fluid-filled). But, if there was a block, the ventricles would be swollen and the amount of fluid building up in those ventricles would cause his brain to swell, making his head larger than average. She nonchalantly said that his main ventricles look fine and since he is developmentally fine, not having any seizures, eats okay (obviously!), and doesn't act miserable, that she thinks his head is just proportionate to the rest of his body.

What a relief. Six days of agony, wondering and praying that they wouldn't find anything. Hoping that my doctor was just being cautious (which I am thankful for). We are so thankful today that there is someone out there who was in control of our lives over the past week (and always) and who knew exactly what was going to happen today...and every day for that matter. It was beyond my control and for that, I am truly thankful. (Below are a few pictures I took this week!)