I've sat down to write this post about five times. I wanted to write an account of the past week so I never forget what we've been through. And although I'm not really supposed to have motivation to do anything at this point in my pregnancy, I truly don't. There are so many times that I sit here and think..."now would be the perfect time to write in the blog"...but for some reason (or three ;)) I just don't feel like it.
First and foremost, I am glad to be sitting at home writing about how I am 30 weeks pregnant as of today. I honestly never had a doubt in my mind that I would make it to 30 weeks since before last week I had had no pregnancy related complications. So, last Thursday when I was sitting in our recliner working on my laptop, I was shocked to feel the very hard contractions that came suddenly. They went from 10 minutes apart to 3-5 minutes apart in a matter of 30 minutes and I was scared to death. I started drinking a glass of water in hopes that they would go away. I called Kevin and he immediately drove home from work. The kids were at preschool and I knew Gram (my Mom) was picking them up, so we headed to Duke. I had already called them once asking if I should come in and of course, they said "if the contractions are consistently five minutes apart, come in"...
So, we called them on the way and let them know to be expecting us. Me, being the planner that I am, did not want to have to sit in the waiting room or anywhere else while I was having labor-like contractions and was 28 weeks 6 days pregnant with triplets. I wanted them to be as prepared as possible for me.
Naturally, I was hooked up to the monitor so they could see my contractions and sure enough (why do they not believe you sometimes!?) they were every 2 minutes on the monitor and were not going away. They started giving me an IV of fluids and checked my cervix. One doctor said I was 2-3 cm dialated. The next one said I was only 1-2. Either way, my cervix had started to dialate and I was becoming a nervous wreck about delivering the girls right then. When they got everything under control and admitted me to labor and delivery, I was immediately put on magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions and given a very high dose in a short amount of time. Then, I was given a reduced amount over the next twelve hours. For those who have ever had to receive magnesium sulfate, you know how deathly ill it makes you feel. I felt like I was walking through hell, literally. Or maybe you can compare it to submerging yourself in a scalding hot bath tub. Either way, it was so hot. I looked over at one point and saw Kevin wrapped in three blankets and he was absolutely freezing. It made me feel very weak and Kevin said he knew I was feeling bad because I wasn't saying a word. I just remember thinking if the medicine worked, the girls would not come. I was weak, tired, and struggling. But, I wasn't saying a word. I did not have an ounce of energy to talk.
Our day-to-day...
Friday, Sept. 10: My contractions had stopped after the magnesium sulfate, but I was feeling horrible. I laid there all day not getting out of bed for anything but the bathroom. I was determined to feel better, but the magnesium had pushed me over the edge. Later in the day, my contractions started again. They were strong and hard and although my cervix hadn't changed, the doctors wanted to be greedy. I was so close to 30 weeks and they wanted to get me there. So, I was put on another 12-hour dose of magnesium, fluids, etc. and just like someone strike a match and touched me with it, I was on fire in a matter of minutes. I was feeling like I couldn't catch my breath sometimes, which I just thought was a side effect of the magnesium. I was put on oxygen to keep my comfortable. I obviously did not sleep very well that night, but I just kept telling myself that it was going to keep the babies in me and I would do anything to do just that.
Saturday, Sept. 11: I was feeling bad most of the day, but Kevin brought the kids to see me for a little bit and that certainly lifted my spirits. I felt guilty that they had to see me that way, but I was such a wreck without them. They were unsure of me at first, but later climbed up in my bed yanking on my oxygen cords and pulling at my IVs. Oh, how I missed those two. Our friends Laura and Bill came to visit and brought us dinner and it certainly cheered me up. I was still on the oxygen and my heart was beating pretty fast most of the day. Again, I thought this was probably just a side effect of the magnesium. I remember thinking and praying that the babies were not born this day because it's such a monumental day in American history. And not in a good way!
Sunday, Sept. 12: Something is not right. I have been given a dose or two of Procardia (which prevents contractions, as well) to try and keep the contractions from returning. But, I couldn't breath. I could not inhale and exhale very much air at all and when I did, I was coughing like a smoker. I felt like I had a severe cold. The doctors immediately saw that this was not a typical side effect of the magnesium sulfate. They ordered a chest xray and an EKG to try and quickly figure out if I had fluid in my lungs. They both came back fine and showed nothing wrong. After a few other tests, they decided the last thing to check would be a pulmonary embolism (blood clot) in my lungs. I headed down for a CT scan which was pretty much an excruciating 10 minutes of my life. I couldn't breath to begin with (even though I had an oxygen tank) and then having to hold my breath while laying on my back was extremely difficult. I was honestly so scared. Not necessarily scared of having the CT scan. Scared of the results. If I had a blood clot, it could easily go to my brain or heart and kill me. And the sense of urgency from the doctors to get me to radiology had scared me even more. My first few thoughts were: how is Kevin going to make it with five kids by himself. He can barely make it a day with our current two children. Not that he isn't a very hands-on, excellent father. He just isn't the stay-at-home, bake cookies, clean the house, go to play group type Dad (I don't know anyone who is, though!). Later, after we talked about the day, we realized that we had been thinking the same thing. He said he just kept thinking that he would "just do it"...and "try to be like you and just get it all done by myself"...It was not a blood clot (thank you GOD!) but because a CT scan is much more detailed than a chest xray, it did show that I had a fair amount of fluid on my lungs. So, the magnesium sulfate that prevented the girls' from being born, just about sent me over the edge. They determined it had poisoned my body, but at the time, we didn't know it.
I know they say everything happens for a reason. It does. And after they gave me diuretics, two blood transfusions, and more fluids, I realized that Kevin had seen me in a light like never before. I wouldn't exactly say it was my shining moment, though. ;) But, he saw me at the most physically weak point he had ever seen me...I'm not a baby. I can take pain (especially when it comes to carrying a baby or babies). I'm not afraid of needles. I got catheterized twice in three days. But, this was different. It wasn't a matter of how strong I wanted to be or how little I could complain. It was about the fact that everything was out of my control and I couldn't make myself better. And when Kevin saw me sitting/laying in the hospital bed barely being able to breathe and certainly not talking, he knew I was sitting there fighting. "You are such a trooper," I remember him saying over and over. "You're going to be fine. The girls are going to be fine. We just have to figure out whats wrong so we can fix it." He repeated those words to me over the next two days...reassuring me that I was fighting as hard as possible and that's all I could do. But, the truth is: we were both just as scared, but in different ways. I was scared they were going to have to do a c-section and tried so hard to concentrate on not worrying about them being born at 29 weeks. I was scared my family would have to live without me and my children would grow up to without a mother. Kevin was scared for me and felt helpless because there was nothing he could do to make me feel better. It was just very scary.
My friend, Sarah, came to visit before she went to work in the NICU and I loved her company. It was so nice to see a familiar face at a place that seemed so far away from the rest of the world. She let me know how great of a job I was doing at keeping the babies inside me...although, it certainly didn't feel like it was. She is so encouraging and knowing that she could have been taking care of my babies that night made me feel so at ease.
Monday, September 13: I was still on the oxygen but felt so relieved that they had found the fluid in my lungs and not a blood clot. I was weak, tired, and missed home. I had tried so hard to focus on all the good in my life, but frankly, it felt like there was nothing more to focus on. I missed home. Sitting on the front porch. Hearing my kids laugh and play, even though I couldn't play with them. Kissing them goodnight. I just missed home: all of us together.
Tuesday, September 14: I woke up happy because I knew I was having lots of visitors: Laura, Carmen, and my Dad all came by to visit. It made the time go by very fast and I was so happy to have a part of my "normal" life with me at the hospital. After they left, I seemed to "crash" and get upset...but I tried very hard to remember I was in the perfect place for the babies. :) I felt a little better and they turned my oxygen down, but the happy-go-lucky Susan I know still was nowhere to be found. Okay, so maybe for a few moments a day...but I was drained.
Wednesday, September 15: Dr. Heine (pronounced "hiney"...yes, he is an OB/GYN!) let me know that I looked like a million bucks. I laughed and let him know that he probably wouldn't recognize me if he saw me walking down the street. I had not worn an ounce of make up or dried my hair while in the hospital. I know you aren't supposed to, but I was just saying...
He said that my labwork was continuing to improve and that I was doing great. Although we had already discussed that I would be at Duke until I delivered, I reminded him that my birthday was on Saturday and it would be great to go home so I could have my birthday party. No, I didn't really have one planned, but I could plan one in a flash if it meant I got to go home! ;) My spirits were high that day...but knowing I could be in the hospital for 5.5 more weeks was almost unbearable.
Thursday, September 16: (6 AM) One of the intern's came in to check on me and see how my night was. I wanted to tell him it would have been much better had he not just woken me up! Haha. (6:30 AM) Dr. Bolden (a senior resident) came in to ask how my night was. I was used to this by now, because my "Grey's Anatomy" team (as Kevin and I called them) always came in my room very early and in the same order every day. (7:00 AM) The whole Grey's Anatomy team including Dr. Heine came in. Dr. Heine sat down on the bed and put his hand on my leg. I will never forget the words he said: "We got your lab results back and you have improved so much, we feel comfortable letting you go home with this medication regimen. You just need to be home and in your own environment." Kevin was still asleep on his comfortable hospital couch and I was so happy! I could not stop thanking him. I promised him I would do (or not do, for that matter!) whatever it took for me to not be back for a while. He smiled and said, "I hope I don't see you until late October."
I can honestly say, I have not been that excited about something in a while. It was I needed: to be home with the kids and Kevin. All of us together.
Our journey is far from over. I take 16 pills a day (don't worry, Kevin got me a pill box to keep me organized!) and use most of my energy walking to the bathroom or the refrigerator. But, I have never been so thankful to be at home in my life. To hear my kids laughs, see their smiles, hear them cry over having to return the candy to the candy drawer that they stole...it all reminds me that I'm right where I need to be. I'm so thankful for everyone's thoughts, well wishes, prayers, phone calls, etc. They sure have kept me going. We are just hoping the girls will hang on for a few more weeks!
I'm convinced she makes the world a better place.
They are the best of friends and I hope that never changes. They adore each other.
He makes my heart melt and to have been blessed with a perfect son is so much more than I could have ever asked for.
It's still hard to imagine how much our lives are about to change...but I know Lily & Landon will be the best big sister and brother there is. :)
2 comments:
You are so inspiring, I went through the horrors of preterm labor and magnesium sulfate as well. I was only 26 weeks pregnant when I went into labor and was flown by helicopter to Norfolk, but praise God after 3 weeks of being in the hospital I was able to go home and had to be on bedrest and procardia every 4 hours round the clock....awful stuff, but nowhere near as awful as Mag Sol.
I have been praying for you every day, that God gives you the strength you need to carry these babies full term. My Father is a Pastor on Hatteras Island and our whole church has been praying, I don't know much about you other than You went to school with my husband AJ Baker, but I feel like I know you just by reading your posts and blog! My Favorite verse ever is " I can Do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13 I hope someday I can meet you because you seem like a pretty awesome Woman of God!
~Melinda
Susan, what do I say. I cried reading this. I have known you for as long as I can remember...for forever, and I never imagined I would see you at a point where you were down. You have always been smiling, laughing, happy and optimistic. Ok, so I have seen you cry a few times, but it only lasted a second and then you would blink and find something else to smile about. I can't imagine what you are going through, or how your body must feel. Every time I wanna cry from the discomforts of this pregnancy, I think of you and how you have 3 girls dancing inside of you. You are an inspiration to so many women, and you are the woman for the job. God called you to do this because He knows you best. He knows what an awesome mom you are and what a fantastic role model you are and will be to thousands of women. Remember that you are loved, and that I am praying for you all the time. Can't wait to see your three beautiful girls! Kevin, Lily Kate, Landon and your three peas are so lucky to have you!
Jessie
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