The Chosen One

I've thought a lot about being the mother to five children. Quite frankly, because it's approaching very fast and I have to. I have to think about the logistics of it all. How is it going to work? Will we have enough time in each day to do the things we need to do? (Probably not!) Will we transition and adjust to our new normal easily or will it take us months or years? Will I be able to be the type of mother I am to two children when I have five of them?

I have no doubt that I will love every single one of them the same. Equally. That's a given. I love Lily and Landon more than life itself and I remember when Landon was born how worried I was about loving him. I had only felt the love of one child at the time so was nervous about loving another one just the same. And when he was born at 1:03 AM, I realized that I had worried for nothing. I could not love him anymore.

This pregnancy is obviously a little different, but because of the high risk nature and complications we've had along the way, I feel like I've worried even MORE than I ever have before. I worry about people comparing them (even though they will all be individuals). I worry about their health...being premature, Baby B's ventriculomegaly, etc. and wonder how I will deal with surgery's, etc. since I've never had to before. I worry about getting so wrapped up in their needs that I will fail my other children. Not on purpose, of course...and I will die trying to be the best mother ever, but I just don't want to have to compromise my mothering just because I have five children. I guess the truth is, is that I won't have to compromise my love for any of them, I will just have to adjust my parenting for each of their individual needs. Since I've been on bed rest I've had a lot of time to sit and think about it and have yet to feel like I know how I'm going to do it and how it will all work out. That might take 18 years! ;)

Last month, my sister sent me this poem and I have read it SO many times to get me through a day. Whether I was laying in the hospital bed gasping for air or sitting in a recliner staring out the window wondering when the girls will arrive, I have read this poem over and over. I truly believe I (or we) have been chosen for "this" because we can do it and we will do it well. Does it scare the hell out of me? Absolutely. But, so have a lot of other things in my life that turned out to be the most amazing parts of my life.

I'm looking forward to being the chosen one...

If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls,
I still would have chosen you...
If God had told me "this soul will one day need extra care",
I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed",
I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith",
I still would have chosen you...
If God had told me "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river",
I still would have chosen you..
If He had told me "our time spent together here on Earth could be short",
I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me 'all that you know to be normal would drastically change",
I still would have chosen you...
Of course, even though I would have chosen you,
I know it was God who chose me for you...
Thank you God for allowing me to be your Mommy.